If I had to pull out the fattest folder from my filing cabinet of worries, it would be the one centered on my health. Not that I have any health problems right now, knock on wood. These worries are completely irrational made up scenarios. I realize this, yet that doesn’t make them completely disappear.
I worry about being diagnosed with a debilitating illness that would leave me in a wheelchair and unable to even feed myself. I worry about getting cancer, which I feel is a bullet we are all just dodging and can only dodge for so long. And then there’s the worry that I’m home alone with my toddler and I just drop dead of a heart attack or aneurysm.
I hope you’re still reading. That was so dark! Ughhh I just read it back and it sounds so gloomy to live in my head. I do realize these thoughts are anxiety driven. They are irrational. And I can even chuckle to myself when I read them back. Would you believe I’m actually a pretty laid back, happy go lucky person?!
My anxiety is familial, I know that. I’ve inherited this….issue. Thankfully I don’t live with these thoughts in my head 24/7 or even daily. They come and they go.
Other than this crazy stuff, I’m honestly not a worrier. I don’t worry about the future, my health aside. There are some serious worriers in my family, my dad and older sister, but I’ve always been like my mom, calm cool and collected. Take things as they come. What will be, will be. Que sera, sera.
Here’s a prime example, when my older kids are out late at night, doing what teenagers and young adults do (I honestly don’t want to know), I set my alarm, put my phone on do not disturb and go to sleep. Unlike my older sister, who sits by the phone with ringer on it loudest setting, probably checking her kids’ locations every thirty minutes, and maybe dozes off here and there, waiting for them to get home. She wakes not well rested at all.
So even though I have dark and scary worries that are made up scenarios in my head, it’s really just anxiety. Right?
It’s July 1st so that means it’s Canada Day here! Might walk over and take Sid to some of the festivities going on. Most likely won’t stay up for the fireworks tonight. It doesn’t get dark until almost eleven pm so they usually wait until then and that’s late for me. Anyway I’m not thrilled by fireworks really.
Also, July 1 was the day I got married, twenty-four years ago. The marriage lasted thirteen years, I think. This day always reminds me, but with no bad feelings attached. I hang onto nothing. It was me who wanted out and I did just that. Que sera, sera.
bloom.planted.north 
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