I was thinking about this yesterday when I was driving home from the grocery store. As I was walking out I heard “Mom! MOM!!” and when I turned around there was my oldest child, Bella-Lena with a couple of her friends. I went over to chat with them for a second. They were shopping to get things for supper and had just come from the beach. Bella-Lena had that fresh air glow, beachy waves in her hair, not put there by a curling iron and a smile on her face.
I was thinking about what a relief it was to see her so happy. It put a tear in my eye to be honest.
As a parent, you suffer the hurts that your kids suffer. And Bella-Lena suffered a lot. I think because she was the oldest child, she bore the brunt of her dad and I’s divorce, the most. She was thirteen. Such a difficult age even when life goes relatively smoothly and you have two loving parents under one roof who also love each other and provide that rock solid foundation.
While at their dad’s house, Bella-Lena had to wear the hat of older sister to her brother and sister and also be the mom figure. Which is totally unfair.
By the time she was in grade 11, she was having a very hard time with her mental health. She was skipping classes to lay in bed and do as little as possible. At first it made me angry because I thought she was just being a lazy teenager. She always found the energy to go cruising with her friends in the evening, so why couldn’t she get up for school.
We tried different mental health workers and counsellors. She tried medication. We got her a gym pass. She ended up not graduating with her class. I remember calling my mom and telling her their oldest grandchild would not be graduating, she said “you’re kidding”.
Bella-Lena moved away a couple of times after leaving high school but nothing ever seemed to pan out for her. Also the pandemic happened which only added to the stress she was under.
In November of 2020, she was living in Winnipeg with some friends. I would almost say she was in crisis. I was worried not only for her mental health but her safety. I drove the seven hours there to pick her up and bring her home. She stayed until after Christmas and then went back for a few months and eventually moved back home.
Now, a few years later, she’s finally on track. When I say on track I’m not measuring where she should be in her life. People accomplish things at different rates and it’s not a race. I just mean she’s no longer stuck in the mud, wheels spinning but not getting anywhere.
She got her grade 12 and started University classes online. She thinks she wants to work toward a Psychology degree. She’s unbelievably smart. She’s also super funny and of all the people on earth, makes me laugh the most. We’re so the same yet so opposite. She’s an extension of me.
She has a good group of friends and is always busy with them, going out, being young and alive and having fun. It’s the best feeling in the world as a parent. Especially when I think back to how she was living, existing is a better word. I can say she’s happy now. That makes me at peace.
bloom.planted.north 
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